Ellen DeGeneres

SAP: The following post has been written with asterisks for members of the Black community*. 

Today I gave a child $100 for helping me understand something I never thought I would.

I was in the gym locker room putting on my shoes when I saw a little boy about five years old or so and his father, a man with the sagging hairy mammary glands of an orangutan*. 

The father left the boy behind in the locker room with his gym bag and it was only a matter of time before the boy started to explore. He immediately pulled out the brightly colored container that was marked with a word much too big for him to sound out; but the boy didn't care about the words printed on the container... it was brightly colored and it smelled nice. So without hesitation he removed the lid and licked the freshly used stick of deodorant*. When he first licked it - as with most things - there wasn't a taste - just the friction of his tongue dragging across the dry surface... 

But once it registered, little Jethro's face* reflected his loss of innocence and the betrayal that he had just experienced. Just imagine expecting to potentially enjoy something based upon its attractive exterior only to find out that it was all a lie. His scrunched up face gave way to an endless stream of tears as he put his fingers in his mouth frantically trying to wipe away the sweaty dry taste but all he could do was pluck the bits of hair* from in between his teeth and off of his tongue.

It's a dark tale but after seeing that face it dawned on me... 

"Damn, I bet that's what it's like when a lesbian loses her virginity." 

I paid the young philosopher his money and was on my way. 


So mote it be,

Marc Tullius  @MarcTullius




The following is expressly intended for Negros and allies of the Negro community:

* My niggas. 

*That old nigga had monkey-bitch titties. 

* "But Marc why didn't you stop him?" Excuse me? Because I wanted to see that shit. If I hadn't I wouldn't have learned what it would be like to go down on Serena Williams, now would I? The better question is where the fuck was your ole questionin' ass?? You get on my damn nerves. 

* Yes, I made up the name Jethro and gave it to him. Why? Because that's some ole Jethro ass shit to do. How many Jamal's sit around eating deodorant? Exactly. Besides...niggas don't take family trips to the gym...we ain't got that many guest passes. 


*That's what his little bad ass gets. When yo' triflin' ass daddy leaves you, you are supposed to sit yo' little ass down somewhere. I hope your mouth tastes like that until puberty you little suck ass child.***




***I should probably not have children.