My New Pet Policy

My good friend just got a brand new puppy

And the rest of us sarcastically call him lucky.

I was happy but his happy seemed to be more

Because every day she met him at the door

And from the way her tail just kept waggin’

You’d think she knew he had been braggin’

One day he finally asked me about pets

“Not me. Never. I’ll skip on the trips to vets.

Whether you get a thorough breed or a mutt

They all track in shit that you have to clean up.

She's cute now but they're all like that as first

But you’ll see – post pups it’ll just get worse”

A year later his happy still stayed more

So I betrayed what I knew to be true before

Saved up for weeks and then hit the pet store

To get a friend that’d meet me at the door

Whenever I wanted to see her she was there

And even when I didn't... she was still there.  

I got used to her and went back to work

Though working late now made me a jerk

Even though I logged the extra hours for her

Should've gotten a cat. They know how to purr.

Before my briefcase can even hit the floor

She's always there to walk me from the door

Barking her doubts/thoughts about my day

So we'd fight, I'd get mad and call her a stray.

She says she remembers fetching toy sticks

And I say I remember licks, silence and tricks.

I said at times I just wanted to be left alone. 

So she did just that. She left me alone.

Now I’m out hanging up signs on light poles

Telling all my friends that she went psycho

Talking to the neighbors in between shouts

Saying “I don’t know how or why she got out”

But they know just like I know that I’m lying.

If I admit it now does that not count as trying?

My throat's knotted and I just want to clear it

Left to say sorry when she’s not here to hear it

Now I sit and growl stead of prowl like i deserved it

Why don't I get another dog? Because I’m allergic.