Some scenarios that either I've gone through or friends of mine have allowed me to witness. It's sad but all of these actually are true and if you don't believe me.. perhaps I'll publish the angry ass texts I'm sure to receive haha.
Speakers are denoted by color.
Me
The Legend
Three one called Sinister
Oz the Prodigy
Probably.. Vette, Queen Elizabeth, Colombiana, Aggtown Fights or the broad with the hazmat required genitalia.
#1 - Asian Sensitivity
I'm thinking about dating this Asian guy. You think anybody would care? How the hell would I know? I'm the worst person to ask about this... Well I ran it by my mother and grandmother and they both got mad. I've been seeing him off and on and he really is trying. I just feel guilty because I'm always the one scared to bring him around because I'm too scared of what people will think when they see us... I mean do you know what that looks like? Tiger Woods? I'm serious. Well if you know it's wrong to think like that maybe you are just wrong. Do it or don't I really don't care... You're right I should be more mature and treat him just like any other guy.
3 days later...
So we went out to the mall and we saw his family there. His mom came up to me, smiled and said that I must be the dark one her son has been talking about. So I look at him and he awkwardly smiles...so I just played it off. hahaha and what are you telling me for oh mighty dark one? I want to ask him about it but I don't really know how to go about it. I mean it's bad but that wasn't that bad. Maybe English is her second language or something. *Takes it upon himself to text dude just for the hell of it* Hey what's up this is Marc - I'm writing a story about students at UT with foreign parents. Could you tell me about your life/story or what not? Oh hey man. My grandparents came over here when my grandma got a job as a translator so I'm sorry I can't really help you out unless that counts. My parents were raised here their whole lives. *shows text message... no response for 8 hours...
I think I hate that puppy breathed motherfucker and his nail doin ass mom
#2 - It's a Sin to Talk Like That
So we are all going out one night - me against my will like always - and one of our friends is going through family trouble like always...as a group they suggest that drinking a lot while having lame ass emotional talks is the way to handle it.
I don't know why they always have to mess with me...I mean damn I'm on my own handling my own shit and all they do is mess with me. I wish my aunt was here The fine one? (either me or T. Legend said it...she is fine as hell though.) Well you don't need to worry about that. You've got us. We're grown man swaggin' and we're here to have a good time. 5 Jamesons later....
I mean I love them I really do but ever since we moved they just treat me badly I can't stand this shit. *shit umm...think of something to lighten the mood...ummm...ummm* Stumbling up to us after he went off to drink more...
You need to shut up. I mean at least you have a father to be mad at. Mine died. So what can you say about my dead father. Ugh. That's a deep nigga.
#3 The Story That Will Get Me in Trouble/Yelled at the Fastest
Hey bro you need to call your wifey. She said you may have something...Man I don't believe that broad. She pulls something like this every time I stop talking to her...Idk man...
Hey bro you need to tell T.L. to call his wifey because he may have an infection. What? Yeah he says he doesn't believe her and he doesn't want to go to the doc. Call him
Hello? Oh what's up... Ok look I'm going to call her and you two mute your phones. Oh by the way I just added Qn. Elizabeth on the call too...
Rings... (Everyone's phone is muted but we still have group texting)
Hello. So why are you telling niggas to call me? I went to the doctor today and I have chlamydiae...No, you don't. Can he say that? lol Look you pull this all the time and I don't believe you. Take a picture of the prescription and send it to me. I haven't gotten it yet. Ok that's fine. Call the dr with me on the phone. I'm at work right now. I have these other teachers in my room. Tell them you're going outside or into the hall and call the dr.This nigga is bold as hell. (The hospital answering service program picks up) Oh shit she called! The plot thickens. I can't select the dr with you on the phone. Look. Call back and wait until the dr is on the phone and then connect me.
Hi I was just there this morning..I have my partner on the phone and he wanted you to tell him what you told me. Oh yes I remember you how are you? Oh ok I can do that. Hi sir I just want you to know that you both have chlamydiae. Don't over react it's possible that neither of you cheated on the other. One of you could have been carrying it before you ever even got together. *looks at chart* well it does seems like you get tested every other month...
OH SHIT!!!!! hahahahaha
Damn.
I thought this was about her being pregnant. chlamydiae?Too close for comfort *exits*
BAHAHAHAH that backfired. Wait hold on... you two shut up she's calling me now. Marcus? Guess what this dirty ass nigga made me do? he made me call the doctor even though I'm out at work because he didn't believe he gave me cooties. I know it was him. I've been with him for years and I get tested constantly. I don't know what to tell you... I mean it's possible that one of you got it another way. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one... *ugh*
I'm still not going to the dr...Look I know now so I really don't have to go to the dr. Man your dick is gonna fall off.
Other random short stories
- At friends boat party - Man I don't care about hoes today. Her friends are fine but they are all too stuck up and scary. I'm just trying to drink and hang out with friends. 5 Jamesons later... Who is he trying to bend over that table?? Jesus Christ is he eating her face? haha - Back at the dock - Bro I wasn't even trying but I'm pretty sure Colombiana loves me. See look she keeps texting me... *shows text* "Who's this?"
- Oz be very careful about taking a girl's virginity. It only ever ends one of two ways... I know. It won't be bad she's different man. She's cool as hell... 2 wks later Hey Marc. You up? Yeah but I'm in Vegas. Oh. Well DBT is in Austin...she's crying that people are attempting to rape her...she hid under a car...slit a dudes throat and then was almost raped again. She doesn't want to get an MIP so she won't go to the cops. Umm call Sin haha.
- Man I swear I hate female people *pulls everclear bottle out of his otherwise empty backpack* Where are you coming from? I had Latin. You went drunk? I went inspired. Man you need to chill out. It's 11 am. You know it's bad when I'm telling you to stop drinking. Oh really? You're above it? *Puts on 1977* ...remember that one time that your ex sucked up another dude and then kissed you? Sidenote: My favorite color is Amber. Give me the damn bottle.
- 3 Jamesons in - Man do I ever tell you how much I love all of you? Like really bro. I'm so serious....2 more Jamesons - I want to fight the world. Calm down stupid...we're going home. I just want to punch this Jeep. *punches jeep hard as hell* Nigga focus. I'm not in the mood to be fighting with your big HE-man ass tonight. You right.. You right. In living room - I'm going to pee and then get tacos. Enters room.. 4 minutes later he exits the room with no pants or shoes whatsoever. All he wore was a a fitted black tshit and skinny breifs (like the jeans but just in the form of underwear.) "He everyone just a heads up my roommate is probably going back to jail tonight. He just went to Taco C with his dick out. 2 hours later... he stumbled back in with food...a completely empty soaking wet wallet. He id was later discovered 20 blocks away.
- Hey you were at the boat party today too right? hahaha Yeah. I guess you really may have been drunk. Yeah I don't remember anything but eating and then going to sleep at Peta Bitch Sewage Vagina's apartment.. I know we're all going DT but no one will tell me what happened. Hahaha I'll tell you. Hell in the future I'll tell your children too. What? You know that song I'm on a boat? ??? Imagine that but with your face being raped by a tongue! Still got the pics.
- Out to eat at a dirty Mexican restaurant. Qn. Elizabeth walks ahead of Sinister and I... Look at that old white man staring at her. You know what he's thinking right? "Man wouldn't you like to get some of that Monkey Pussy." What?!!!? He's lookin through his fork at that ass and fantasizing about that sweet Monkey Pussy. (At this point until and for the next 3 days I'm dead to the world. Crying harder than a damn orphan) What's so funny? Marc is dumb. He's just laughing because I said that that man wants your monkey pussy. (add convulsing) My what nigga? ?Why are you referencing my vagina as monkey pussy (She's not laughing at fucking all...) I can't breathe at this point. No no i meant it more as all black women would be said to have Monkey Pussy if you ask a white man... I still don't like that shit. Other hoes can have monkey pussy and that's funny but not me. The mood dies down in the car because she's mad and her non-driving already may kill us without the distraction. And then he said the phrase that gave me abs... Look. You can't be mad at me. (looks into the rearview mirror to make eye contact with me) It's not like I'm the one thinking about THAT MONK!
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