What men wish they could say Part One

Random thought that has little to do with anything - Are prostitutes just porn stars with stage fright?

In writing this I hope to clarify what men wish they could explain without you taking it the wrong way. If you take offense to any of it though...well most males wouldn't give a shit about you being offended - see that thought was free!

1.) On Questions - "Hey what are you doing??" - Why are you asking? Are you coming to do said activity too? You know what dry humping a couch and knitting a quilt have in common? The fact that your stupid ass wouldn't know the difference if I was doing either because you're not here.

On the flip side of that... don't expect me to respond to your dumb ass questions with dumb ass questions of my own. Instead of asking you daily "how are you/how was your day?" how about you just volunteer information whenever something mildly interesting* happens in your trivial ass life. (See definition of interesting below)

2.) On Apathy - We just don't give a shit. Yep, it's that simple. I have no idea why you expect me to care about some shit that has nothing to do with me. OMG there's a sale at Ross?!?! Holy shit can you use your coupons and elite ninja shopping skills to pick me up someone less annoying than you???

Aww your great aunt is sick? As sad as you think that is... all I'm going to say is "I'm sorry" or something along those lines... don't expect me to be broken up about it. I hardly give a shit about my own damn aunt...or even your health status for that matter. Not to be a dick but if you were severely injured/wheelchair bound understand that that may be a no go for me.

Before you get all upset... just think about it. I met you in (insert any social situation). If I truly wanted a speed racer bitch with wheels I would've started in the ER in the first place. I hated toys that required assembly as a child so why in the hell would I want a "some assembly required" chick that doesn't fight crime? If I do stay though, I just need you to be "handi"-capable of shutting the fuck up indefinitely.

3.) On Head - Fuck you and Lil' Wayne. This proud representative of the pussy eating coalition must be stopped. This nigga went from spinning made up tales of thuggin to a balanced diet of pubes and autotune. I hope he chokes on a hairball. Don't get me wrong... time and place. I'm not saying that it's negative. Just don't expect me to be proud of you for that shit. Smh. You ole "I literally get cotton mouth from licking lint infested vaginas" motherfuckers are just too much.

Oh and this quid pro quo shit about blow jobs needs to stop. That shit is not the same. I hate when women claim to "not do that" or anything of the like because it's "nasty/demeaning", yet they are the ones that want me to lick their bleeding acid traps. Fuck I look like.

4.) On Sensitivity - Before I even get into this one. Fuck you. You are the reason why these soft as cookies bitch made ass dudes are running rampant. Don't look at me during movies to see my reactions. Worry about your own face ho. No, I'm not going to cry after watching The Notebook. Hell the only reason she even got Alzheimer's was so she could forget about how fucking uneventful her shitty life was with her shitty ass diary reading husband. He's just reading that shit like it's a fucking novel.

Diary writing ass men... I pray the world really does end before you sparkling vampire motherfuckers reproduce again. Your bitch asses probably can  survive on emotions and self-pity alone. I just want to water-board all of you little fucks with your own tears. Granted, there's one exception for men who want to keep a diary. It involves you living in an attic away from society and then dying in a fire once we locate your bitch ass. (I hope your diary is flame retardant.)



so mote it be,

Marc Tullius



Definitions and Concessions:
Interesting - has something to do with significant people in the world. If it only applies to you, that one girlfriend that you secretly hate or any department store just kill me before you even open your mouth (if you love me you will). I would kill myself but then that means that I would have to have heard a few words of your mindless ass nonsense.

Bitch - I don't mean this in any derogatory way; well at least when it comes to most of you bitches. Bitching to me about it won't help either. I'll gladly change every offensive world right after you play your beiber cd while papercutting yourself with your world's cutest puppies poster - even though you don't even have a dog.

Wheelchair - I take back that entire scenario if I'm allowed to build and push you on a life-sized Hot Wheels track. I doubly take it back if we can race you against the elderly for money and pharmaceuticals.

Shopping Skills - There's no talent involved in this. Companies spend billions upon billions of dollars to make you buy shit so quit acting like you're a fucking Olympian because you can read a damn sign.