Before I get started I just want to give a hand to those who go the extra mile to have sex in cars and in church parking lots because you both still live with your parents.
Here's the second part of the series.
5.) On Appearance - I understand no one is perfect and because of that you will have complaints - that's fair. I just ask that you keep that shit within the due bounds that your looks allow for. No one wants to see ugly people have opinions in public.
Your right to bitch can be assessed based on how far someone has to be away from you before you start to matter. You're attractive at 25 ft? I guess you can complain about the temperature...just once ho and no you can't have my coat. 15 ft? Sure, let's even take you being jealous for a min. You're that bad at any distance? Well fuck it I'm just wrong. Not because of logic but just because God making you that fine tells me that he wants you to be considered right.
If you don't meet the above distance standards, I need you to not talk. Nothing that you can say will be able to compensate and my senses will not allow me to give a shit about whatever is troubling you. It pisses me the fuck off when I see you - knowing that you look like the illegitimate love child of two prehistoric cousins - trying to communicate at all. No writing, no signing and no smoke signals. Unless you are breaking out the 9th grade bio skills to punnet square why you look like this. You should be devoutly religious because (Human) evolution has failed you. I may smile and play nice because one of your friends can get it but just know that all gestures should be interpreted as, "ooga booga you caveman ass, unevolved shitty Pikachu ass, Jurassic dinosaur with aids faced bitch. I'm sure you have a great personality though."
6.) On Exercise - Oz the Prodigy and I are sick and tired of you out of shape heaux talking to us about your work out schedule. I don't need to hear your weekly failure report. If I cared I would go and follow your crawling ass metabolism with a golf cart and a cattle prod. More specifically, we also don't give a shit about your Tae Bo, Pilates, Yoga, Weight Watchers, only eat dicks and salad programs etc. (Disclaimer if you are not a white woman over 30 you look really fucking dumb.)
Not to be mean but I just need for gravitationally challenged to sleep all day and wake up at 2 am every morning just so you can watch the infomercials that are clearly trying to get your attention. The diet pills aren't working? Don't give up. Take 15 more. If you don't almost O.D. off of diet pills then clearly you don't want it bad enough.
7.) On Sex - The secret to the sexual male psyche comes in two parts generally (before and after). There's the conquest and the pride that fuel us to put in effort (the before) but it gives way to the moment of terrifying wisdom (the after). The second after you see him make that awkward face and takes that big exhale after his leg shakes, he is going to look at the clock to record his official time and then he'll think:
a. "Why did I just do that? Dammit. Stop trying to cuddle ho, I'm upset."
b. "If she asks what does this mean for "us" I'm going to delete her number."
c. "Did she just get annoying as fuck in the last 2 minutes?"
d. "This loud breathing bitch needs to sleep on the patio with all that huffing and puffing shit."
e. "What excuse can I think of to make her leave?"
f. "What if this broad gave me herpes?"
g. "What if she gets pregnant?"
h. "Holy shit. What if she gives the hypothetical baby herpes? That inconsiderate bitch."
i. "I know Walmart brought back layaway but I don't know if Planned Parenthood did..."
j. "I want food but I don't feel like getting food for both of us...just fake being asleep it is."
This list isn't limited to the above but you get the idea. It also doesn't apply for women that you really like. This is more for those who keep their feelings in their nuts so after they are emptied he can't figure out for the life of him how he got into that position and he silently chants a prayer that you won't remember how nice he was before it dawned on him that he hates you.
Sidenote: While I have you here let's address something that somewhat ties into the after sex thought switch too. Ladies, please understand that the things that you did even just five minutes prior that were awesome are not necessarily awesome now.
For example, I hate you over hydrated ozarka broads. I know I know R&B metaphors talk about oceans and shit but those niggas don't have to sleep in big ass puddles of you. If I wanted to play Aquaman I would've never stopped pissing in the bed in the first place. Don't act like i'm the only one that doesn't like getting up to pee when I'm trying to sleep.
so mote it be,
Marc Tullius
Definitions and Concession:
On Misogyny - The above and all previous posts are done in good fun despite the fact that most of it is objectively true. I don't mean to insight hatred towards women nor do i want to make it seem like women in general suck. Granted, most of you hate other girls because you know that you fucking sucking.
On Morality - Just shut the hell up. Crying about how you're prone to crying makes me pray for you to get stuck in traffic for hours just to make it to wherever you're going 3 hours late. And after you stumble in all sweaty, bothered and utterly annoying I hope the building blows up.
It's not all bad though. After your death I truly hope that you make it into heaven because we all know that Hell would be way too interesting for your lame ass.
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