Gays and Married Women Should Wear Burkas

"Did you come to bring us presents??!"

"No little Timmy, I'm here to tell you that you'll be dead before Christmas."

If dressing up as Santa to tell children that they have cancer at the local hospital has taught me anything - it has taught me that disappointments suck. 

With that said, I propose that we do something proactive about the two leading causes of adult disappointment - attractive men that are gay and women that are married/faithful.

Before - "damn I would love to..."

 

After - "Who's that smelly bitch in the sheet?"

I have just saved marriage. 

You're welcome. 

I should be allowed to...

- state that fat people are literally shittier than the rest of us without being judged since they have bigger guts and eat more. 

- tell my mom that she doesn't get to pull the "I gave birth to you" card since I was the result of alcohol and a mistimed pull out. 

- shoot AK in the face on principle on any given day and doubly on holidays. 

- say that i don't really care about how big a girl really is... "her ass is huge" and it usually matches the rest of her. 

- tell people to stop calling Jesus their "personal savior" if they say he's meant for everyone. 

- laugh at women with bullshit senses of entitlement and confidence

- std test people before letting them sit on anything I own.

- curse in church. The book of revelation alone should give me at least 10 uses of "did you see that shit?"

- ask all black people who claim to be indian to show me their moccasins. 

- demand that all big assed women used industrial toilet paper. 

The Catch up Pt 1 - Who do you think you are?

1. Political Correctness - This goes out to all of you that value civility and political correctness to a fault - fuck you retarded hoe nigga bitches. My issue with you comes from your negativity. How about you be proactive instead of just trying to take all of the joy out of my life? All of the words I just used are amazing to use even when they don't make any sense.

 For example: 

 - I'm so tired of this nigga assigning this bull. (in reference to old white professor)

- Ah yeah we in this bitch! (in reference to attending church)

- His retarded ass put that text convo about him not being able to get it up on instagram. (In reference to T Legendputting one of the homies E.D. problem on blast. #BluePillProblems)

- Bill Clinton? That's my nigga. (no explanation needed)

I have no problem altering my language but I just need for you to give me alternatives that are just as readily awesome. 

2. People Who Bury Time Capsules. So you're just confident that the people of the future want to explore your funky ass shit, huh? 

"Drive my flying car to get some space vag? Nah fuck that I want to read about this kid's thoughts about how high school was hard...and look he left his ratty ass moth ball covered letterman too! Neato!"

We have the internet. If anyone wants to know about our time...it's not hard to find sources. Hell just wait for yet another shitty decade party. 

"Remember when we lived through the 90s and decided never to wear that shit again? ...let's wear that shit again!" 

3. Facebook Broads- so you tooks one fine picture of yourself (it's usually a damn lie) and now you feel like you are to be the most exclusive bitch on facebook. Look here stupid, adding someone as a friend does not equate to sucking them up in a dark alley. Get over yourself or get therapy. It is not normal to get off on seeing how many pending friend requests you have. 

Also, being thirsty/desperate/forward on facebook is allowed because when you think about it the whole basis of it is creepy as hell. Don't act like you use it to find lost relatives and not as your own CSI name checker smh. 

4. Impersonation - You know how much fun it would be if I could dress up like a surgeon or a cop? I'd have the time of my life! But alas I can't...it's illegal. The very definition of fraud. With that said:

Self-esteem is not meant for unattractive fat women. 

You talking about how great you are is fraudulent and your big ass should be thrown in jail. Yeah I know there are places that love big women but I'm from a country where food exists...so umm fuck that. 

Stop that shit. I'm tired of tolerating loud overbearing "I know I look good" ass females. Your stupid ass doesn't know shit and should go sit down somewhere. Actually, damn that. Stand your fat ass up. You don't deserve to torture another chair. Do stairs or something. Shit's gross. 

I don't care. Yeah I said it...fuck all of you. this self esteem delusion that you have talked yourself into is preventing you from feeling shame and I find that upsetting because I amounted to something in my life as a man just so I can more efficiently publicly disregard you. But no you just think that you're the one bitch who can violate the laws of nature and try to make me look shallow. Fuck I look like. Ha. 

Broke lame ass dudes are your speed. in fact you are their punishment for being so broke and lame. Fat women are like distance running. They are the punishment of every other activity given for bad behavior; even though their are a few dumbasses that act as though they enjoy it. 

This topic also applies to all of you that dress sexy or talk all that shit and then suck ass in bed. smh. Don't try that shit with me. I will waive my right of silence to tell your dead fish ass about yourself. "Bitch you should've stayed a virgin or look into being a nun. Walk with Jesus broad."

5. Fat People - Oh so you're entitled to just be big as hell without us being able to look or say anything? When the fuck was that deal made?? Stop fucking eating or go outside...at some point. "But I have a gland disorder" Well then I'd advise you to fix that shit or stop acting like you can go anywhere or where anything without judgment. And don't even try to cry about how hard your life is... I don't give a shit about you or your molasses tears. 

Don't know if this applies to you? Then it does. Boom, question answered. Better yet go look at the Air Force or Coast Guard's height/weight requirements - if they wouldn't let you join their bullshit ranks to potentially go die then you may be headed down the honey glazed road to gross. 

I'm not saying that fat people can't be desirable (they mostly can't) or that they are to be social hermits. I'm just saying quit expecting the rest of us to give you a pass like you have some unfair birth defect. "But I eat to deal with my problems." Bitch, I'd advise you to get less problems. I mean shit...the weight of the world must really be stressing you the fuck out. 

If this offends you then you should...well go swim in a t-shirt or crack another tub of animal fat to eat your problems away. Maybe if you eat enough Taco Bell will name their next slop pit after you. 

Madea is harder than Tyler Perry

"Chief that bomb will go off and kill millions....unless someone can direct a musical while sucking the suspect's dick."

"Call a ho!"
"We have no time!"
"Will you suck this dick for... oh well damn you're just already at it, huh?...shit."

Until the above scene is made verbatim...don't call Tyler Perry's agent.

Alex Cross the movie... Are you fucking serious? Really? The top bad ass male lead in Hollywood is now Madea? Actually not Madea. Indeed, his big ass cross dressing alto ego is more intimidating than Tyler Perry is on his own.




I'm truly disgusted. Forget Idris Elba...was the crackhead off of E. 119th not looking at scripts this season? At least I know he's at least seen a weapon. If Tyler Perry had me at gunpoint I'd open hand slap the shit out of him on principle. The fuck I look like getting stuck up by a guy that dresses like a butch female senior citizen in the name of Jesus?

Not gonna lie. Casting is not my forte so maybe I'm wrong. It's possible that I've just missed the brilliance that is his potential to be an action star. I mean to be able to fake curse at and threaten children despite wearing pounds of fake bosom and dealing with the restrictions of the panties that you wrote into the script for you to put on...that takes skill.

I try to be objective but then I get that ridiculous ass voice in my head saying "good mor-ting - I'm living for the "lort"" and before I can choose my words with the care and sensitivity that I know the situation deserves, I find that I've already said what my soul chose for me to say:

This is some ol' bullshit.

Although I'm impressed that you are a pioneer in making me disbelieve shit about you more and more by the minute (like you playing any role where you're married to a woman - nigga-that's awkward around women -please) stick to pushing the envelope for my grandma and her friends.

So mote it be,

Marc Tullius 





P.S - The entire muslim world is offering billions to get their hands on that one "bold" asshole that made Sex and the City 4: Muhammad's Revenge...so why we are in debt? I'll personally pay for the postage.

 I'm being told that that was not Sarah Jessica Parker in the movie; just a camel. I joke...but seriously though it looks like they got Hot Topic's top designers to design that bitch's face. Slipknot shirt or SJP?

It's like her mom wasn't going to have children and then saw the Wizard of Oz and just got inspired. "I won't stop until I can have a child with command over monkeys."

How to Think like Me

I'm about to show you what it's like to think as me for 20 minutes haha. I'm just going to start with something I feel is annoying as hell and will link all following comments with that train of thought. For example, I'm watching football and they juts gave me a local bowling update.  

1. Context does not control everything... being a bowling league badass is universally fucking lame. So tell your lame ass uncle who traded in his soul for learning to make a ball spin to shut the fuck up. oh you bowl 300s? That's so funny because it appears that you still work at Sears and live in an unmovable trailer.The President has an alley in his house and he probably sucks ass at it...he's still better than you as a human though...why? Because it's not that damn important. Unless you're Peter Weber. Yeah unless you're him kill yourself...violently. 

2. Who the fuck is buying unmovable trailers? How the fuck do you expect to dodge the tornadoes that inevitably aim for your hill billy asses? I mean shit wasn't that the one advantage besides lowering peoples' expectations without you opening your mouth?  Then again there is logic in hoping that some disaster does take out that shitty place in hopes of being able to do interviews and say "we lost our home". don't look at me funny...fuck you and fuck those overselling media whores. You saying you "lost your home" is just like a boy-scout saying he lost his when the sprinklers took out his backyard tent. 

3. Stop letting little boys get raped. Actually I'm not going to call it rape...it's more like social sacrifice. We send them in cutesy ass "uniforms" into the woods with men over 40 and then blame the men. Granted, they have a part in it too but there's a reason we keep the girl scout bitches within walking distance of the Walmart entrance. More over - I blame we as society for not editing and amending the Bible sooner. As it is now priests naturally fear sleeping with women out of wedlock because God says no but since the don't lube up altar boys commandment didn't make the cut it's an international gray area. Hell nah. 

4. Why is it that a great majority of society believes that if I'm a perfect person but commit a few subjective "sins" like believing the wrong guy said the right thing I'll burn eternally in hell but if I find a guy attempting to rape my mother I have to operate within the bounds of the Constitution? I want consistency. If you transgress I want to be able to throw you into a fucking volcano or a more conveniently found lake of fire. 

5. Speaking of the word "convenient" - is it not ironic that that's one of the most inconvenient pain in the ass words to spell? We all know that language and more specifically words are arbitrarily made up (ie "bling bling" is in the dictionary). So why don't we just take the shitty ones out? We don't have to delete them if you don't feel comfortable. Just through in a few consonants randomly and call that shit Russian. 

6. Vladimir Putin is a badass. Yet, to dictate our foreign policy we intentionally look for people to handle conflict in a way that would make them get beat up everyday of their high school careers. The presidential approach involves words and concepts such as "diplomacy" and "I won't fight you but I know some people who will in my place". They "talk" it out via translators using words that are not easy to translate. "The American people and I would greatly appreciate your acquiescence in the matter in to order to avoid further sanctions." I would pay double my taxes to have a president just lean into the mic at the U.N. and say, "We have these summits in New York just so you can see what our normal people are like. They do not give a fuck about each other. Keep that in mind the next time one of you wants to start some shit. Yeah yeah peace, love and soul but don't confuse us with these Canadian bitches. We will fuck you up. Ask a three tittied Japanese bitch." 

7. Japan is the most technologically advanced culture on the planet but they can't locate where the fuck an 18 story lizard goes when he leaves the shore? Sonar bitches. Sonar. And what the fuck does he want? Just to stomp around and break shit whenever he feels like it? Damn. Godzilla is Japan's ex girlfriend.

8. Stereotypes about women are wrong. It's wronger that some of these bitches continue to live them out like it's something to aspire to. Why is it that every generation of male across race, creed and culture can all laugh and agree about the same shit that you do?? Hell even my dog nods to 99 problems. I take it back. I'm offended that human women can be referred to as female dogs. Dogs can be trained and are mans' best friend. Women are much more like cats. Cats will hate you for a reason...or if they fucking feel like it. 

9. Who the hell is in charge of personifications? Women = bitches but yet they hate men who are dogs? Dumb. But if I told you I saw this cat our there dancing like an idiot that means a man was dancing like a jackass. More over how is everything else related to a women described in terms of "cat fights", "pussy" etc. 

10. Why am I the only one comfortable enough to admit that I will love a horrible movie for shallow reasons? ie Catwoman. Halle in a catsuit? Deserved the oscar - fuck you Million Dollar Baby. I know it's good technically but on the whole it's about a mediocre fighter getting paralyzed...that shit's depressing and lacks content. The content of Halle in a catsuit. Oh I'm the only one that's this barbaric..? Explain how she won an Oscar for Monster Ball then.  

11. In hindsight was Clint Eastwood coaching her or the stool? haha With his affinity for furniture and given the fact that the stool unquestionably won...it could be debated. Better question...why is it that Americans are so willing to attribute intelligence to people as though it's the prerequisite for talent in all fields. I'm sick and tired of "oh you're good at acting, sports or fucking black people on camera (hey Kim!) so you must have cogent thoughts on politics or anything else relevant to the civilized world." 

12. I'm tired of illogical people preaching to me. If God can do all things - can He lie to you just for His own amusement? No? Then you don't really believe that all things are possible now do you? ha. Yeah I guess that may be a little too advanced for your deduction or reasoning skills. 

13. Why is it that logic can only apply to certain situations or certain groups? For example, if I run at the police with a painted BB Gun and they shoot me in the face then it's not regarded as murder or anything of the like. It's written up as a "police assisted suicide." This may tip the legal scales against me in the future but fuck it I have a legal team in training (shout out to S. Rocio and company) so I'll tell you right now - if I feel that it's warranted or if you just piss me off too early on a Monday, my defense will most certainly be that it was a Nimmer Assisted Suicide. 

And that's 20 minutes of me writing down my average thoughts... does that mean I consider and disregard better shit than you've been trained by the education system to think of? Well yes of course but it's also the reason that I can't be normal and give a damn about 98% of what you probably deem important. Who's to say which is better? Well obviously upon understanding the aforementioned -I am. So I guess I and those like me win in the end. But if it makes you feel better we don't take pride in beating out the likes of you. 

so mote it be,

Marc Tullius

STD giver found!

If you've been keeping up or took note of the last post there was a dirty hoe bandit out on the prowl "burnin niggas like usher". (Boom triple word play score because he's gay!) Anyway, a friend of mine was unaware as to how he or if he even infected his OCD monogamous Joseph Smith magic underwear wearing broad.

Well after further review the trail of yellow genital wart pus led back to a culprit. Who is it???

Wait for it... wait for it... it was the leaky bitch from the black lagoon! You know the nasty chick who tried to choke out her cobwebbed vagina in public on Sixth Street? Yeah her!

Gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis ("oh my" - Dorothy).Three STDs!!! It's like getting three 777s in a row in a slut machine but with a higher chance of aids. Before discussing that further I just want to stop and give credit where credit is due. Chlamydia and gonorrhea are both nine letters long. I honesty didn't think this remedial ass Eating as a Second Language petri dish bitch had it in her.

Of course "it" meaning the ability to spell...God knows she's had everything else in her. The only bitch on the planet that can fit more fingers inside of her at once is octo-mom: true story. I digress - so yeah despite me wanting to sacrifice my eyesight after seeing that mangled mess - my friend thrusted in his seed deliverer deep into her dark dank bowels; unafraid and unprotected!

Granted, condoms would do little to protect you from a vat of battery acid and are unnecessary in this case. Unnecessary because impregnation can only occur given that said sperm survive long enough to fertilize. Again - a pleasant side effect of stroking what most would consider un-strokable is that upon entry all things immediately give up their will to live. The infectious smell alone curdled the weak like twice digested cat milk...and the stronger of his potential children fared no better. The last surrendered its life as a born again christian sperm before hanging itself with its own tail.

Alas, my friend received the news and he did not falter. In fact, he was not surprised or phased whatsoever. He described it as being a sort of cosmic circle of life - kind of like karma. "I do triflin' things so I can't be mad when a ho does triflin' things too." The council including myself heard his logic and a few solemnly agreed. I...could not.

After a quick search on the CDC website I reported back. "My friend. Your logic cannot be right. I have contacted all that I could in hopes to verify...but you did not invent smallpox, the plague or death itself. Therefore, karma would not have tormented you this way." He said nothing.

I fear even more for my dear cancer surviving friend (has she not been through enough Jesus??) who has to sit in a classroom with this patient zero bitch. Yes. I know. The diseases are contained within the insets of the seeping jowls of her vagi-cave...the very same cave where sadness is born and happiness goes to die. As far as we know she has not birthed an airborne pathogen just yet...but then again we only have science on our side. The true question I have to pose to said friend is - how  many layers of hand-me-down torn cotton cloth can shield you from the very ooze that killed the dinosaurs? What makes you stronger than a velociraptor??

All kidding aside... that bitch is gross and I feel bad for everything involved in these stories. My eyes, what once was a functional penis, the fever ridden stubble colored vagi-virus and of course...the children. As we speak a new born is taking his very first breath in a room enshrouded with love. Little does he know that all too soon the day will come when the pus that guides her cravings will grow tired of imitation Mexican food and sperm. Then it will choose to consume the souls and lives of those who won't be strong or fast enough to escape its fanged grasps... Go with God my little friend because surely Hell is a pussy.

Stories my friends wouldn't want me to tell

Some scenarios that either I've gone through or friends of mine have allowed me to witness. It's sad but all of these actually are true and if you don't believe me.. perhaps I'll publish the angry ass texts I'm sure to receive haha.
Speakers are denoted by color.

Me
The Legend 
Three one called Sinister 
Oz the Prodigy
Probably.. Vette, Queen Elizabeth, Colombiana, Aggtown Fights or the broad with the hazmat required genitalia.

#1 - Asian Sensitivity
 I'm thinking about dating this Asian guy. You think anybody would care? How the hell would I know? I'm the worst person to ask about this... Well I ran it by my mother and grandmother and they both got mad. I've been seeing him off and on and he really is trying. I just feel guilty because I'm always the one scared to bring him around because I'm too scared of what people will think when they see us... I mean do you know what that looks like? Tiger Woods? I'm serious. Well if you know it's wrong to think like that maybe you are just wrong. Do it or don't I really don't care... You're right I should be more mature and treat him just like any other guy.
3 days later...
So we went out to the mall and we saw his family there. His mom came up to me, smiled and said that I must be the dark one her son has been talking about. So I look at him and he awkwardly smiles...so I just played it off. hahaha and what are you telling me for oh mighty dark one? I want to ask him about it but I don't really know how to go about it. I mean it's bad but that wasn't that bad. Maybe English is her second language or something. *Takes it upon himself to text dude just for the hell of it* Hey what's up this is Marc - I'm writing a story about students at UT with foreign parents. Could you tell me about your life/story or what not? Oh hey man. My grandparents came over here when my grandma got a job as a translator so I'm sorry I can't really help you out unless that counts. My parents were raised here their whole lives. *shows text message... no response for 8 hours...
I think I hate that puppy breathed motherfucker and his nail doin ass mom

#2 - It's a Sin to Talk Like That 
So we are all going out one night - me against my will like always - and one of our friends is going through family trouble like always...as a group they suggest that drinking a lot while having lame ass emotional talks is the way to handle it.
I don't know why they always have to mess with me...I mean damn I'm on my own handling my own shit and all they do is mess with me. I wish my aunt was here The fine one? (either me or T. Legend said it...she is fine as hell though.) Well you don't need to worry about that. You've got us. We're grown man swaggin' and we're here to have a good time. 5 Jamesons later....
I mean I love them I really do but ever since we moved they just treat me badly I can't stand this shit. *shit umm...think of something to lighten the mood...ummm...ummm* Stumbling up to us after he went off to drink more...

You need to shut up. I mean at least you have a father to be mad at. Mine died. So what can you say about my dead father. Ugh. That's a deep nigga.


#3 The Story That Will Get Me in Trouble/Yelled at the Fastest
Hey bro you need to call your wifey. She said you may have something...Man I don't believe that broad. She pulls something like this every time I stop talking to her...Idk man... 
Hey bro you need to tell T.L. to call his wifey because he may have an infection. What? Yeah he says he doesn't believe her and he doesn't want to go to the doc. Call him
Hello? Oh what's up... Ok look I'm going to call her and you two mute your phones. Oh by the way I just added Qn. Elizabeth on the call too... 
Rings... (Everyone's phone is muted but we still have group texting)
Hello. So why are you telling niggas to call me? I went to the doctor today and I have chlamydiae...No, you don't. Can he say that? lol Look you pull this all the time and I don't believe you. Take a picture of the prescription and send it to me. I haven't gotten it yet. Ok that's fine. Call the dr with me on the phone. I'm at work right now. I have these other teachers in my room. Tell them you're going outside or into the hall and call the dr.This nigga is bold as hell. (The hospital answering service program picks up) Oh shit she called! The plot thickens. I can't select the dr with you on the phone. Look. Call back and wait until the dr is on the phone and then connect me. 
Hi I was just there this morning..I have my partner on the phone and he wanted you to tell him what you told me. Oh yes I remember you how are you? Oh ok I can do that. Hi sir I just want you to know that you both have chlamydiae. Don't over react it's possible that neither of you cheated on the other. One of you could have been carrying it before you ever even got together. *looks at chart* well it does seems like you get tested every other month...
OH SHIT!!!!! hahahahaha 
Damn.
I thought this was about her being pregnant. chlamydiae?Too close for comfort *exits*
BAHAHAHAH that backfired. Wait hold on... you two shut up she's calling me now. Marcus? Guess what this dirty ass nigga made me do? he made me call the doctor even though I'm out at work because he didn't believe he gave me cooties. I know it was him. I've been with him for years and I get tested constantly. I don't know what to tell you... I mean it's possible that one of you got it another way. I thought you were supposed to be the smart one... *ugh*
I'm still not going to the dr...Look I know now so I really don't have to go to the dr. Man your dick is gonna fall off. 

Other random short stories

- At friends boat party - Man I don't care about hoes today. Her friends are fine but they are all too stuck up and scary. I'm just trying to drink and hang out with friends. 5 Jamesons later... Who is he trying to bend over that table?? Jesus Christ is he eating her face? haha - Back at the dock - Bro I wasn't even trying but I'm pretty sure Colombiana loves me. See look she keeps texting me... *shows text* "Who's this?" 

- Oz be very careful about taking a girl's virginity. It only ever ends one of two ways... I know. It won't be bad she's different man. She's cool as hell... 2 wks later Hey Marc. You up? Yeah but I'm in Vegas. Oh. Well DBT is in Austin...she's crying that people are attempting to rape her...she hid under a car...slit a dudes throat and then was almost raped again. She doesn't want to get an MIP so she won't go to the cops. Umm call Sin haha.

- Man I swear I hate female people *pulls everclear bottle out of his otherwise empty backpack* Where are  you coming from? I had Latin. You went drunk? I went inspired. Man you need to chill out. It's 11 am. You know it's bad when I'm telling you to stop drinking. Oh really? You're above it? *Puts on 1977*  ...remember that one time that your ex sucked up another dude and then kissed you? Sidenote: My favorite color is Amber. Give me the damn bottle. 

- 3 Jamesons in - Man do I ever tell you how much I love all of you? Like really bro. I'm so serious....2 more Jamesons - I want to fight the world. Calm down stupid...we're going home. I just want to punch this Jeep. *punches jeep hard as hell* Nigga focus. I'm not in the mood to be fighting with your big HE-man ass tonight. You right.. You right. In living room - I'm going to pee and then get tacos. Enters room.. 4 minutes later he exits the room with no pants or shoes whatsoever. All he wore was a a fitted black tshit and skinny breifs (like the jeans but just in the form of underwear.) "He everyone just a heads up my roommate is probably going back to jail tonight. He just went to Taco C with his dick out. 2 hours later... he stumbled back in with food...a completely empty soaking wet wallet. He id was later discovered 20 blocks away.

- Hey you were at the boat party today too right? hahaha Yeah. I guess you really may have been drunk. Yeah I don't remember anything but eating and then going to sleep at Peta Bitch Sewage Vagina's apartment.. I know we're all going DT but no one will tell me what happened. Hahaha I'll tell you. Hell in the future I'll tell your children too. What? You know that song I'm on a boat? ??? Imagine that but with your face being raped by a tongue! Still got the pics.  

- Out to eat at a dirty Mexican restaurant. Qn. Elizabeth walks ahead of Sinister and I... Look at that old white man staring at her. You know what he's thinking right? "Man wouldn't you like to get some of that Monkey Pussy." What?!!!? He's lookin through his fork at that ass and fantasizing about that sweet Monkey Pussy. (At this point until and for the next 3 days I'm dead to the world. Crying harder than a damn orphan) What's so funny? Marc is dumb. He's just laughing because I said that that man wants your monkey pussy. (add convulsing) My what nigga? ?Why are you referencing my vagina as monkey pussy (She's not laughing at fucking all...) I can't breathe at this point. No no i meant it more as all black women would be said to have Monkey Pussy if you ask a white man... I still don't like that shit. Other hoes can have monkey pussy and that's funny but not me. The mood dies down in the car because she's mad and her non-driving already may kill us without the distraction. And then he said the phrase that gave me abs... Look. You can't be mad at me. (looks into the rearview mirror to make eye contact with me) It's not like I'm the one thinking about THAT MONK! 

What men wish they could say Part One

Random thought that has little to do with anything - Are prostitutes just porn stars with stage fright?

In writing this I hope to clarify what men wish they could explain without you taking it the wrong way. If you take offense to any of it though...well most males wouldn't give a shit about you being offended - see that thought was free!

1.) On Questions - "Hey what are you doing??" - Why are you asking? Are you coming to do said activity too? You know what dry humping a couch and knitting a quilt have in common? The fact that your stupid ass wouldn't know the difference if I was doing either because you're not here.

On the flip side of that... don't expect me to respond to your dumb ass questions with dumb ass questions of my own. Instead of asking you daily "how are you/how was your day?" how about you just volunteer information whenever something mildly interesting* happens in your trivial ass life. (See definition of interesting below)

2.) On Apathy - We just don't give a shit. Yep, it's that simple. I have no idea why you expect me to care about some shit that has nothing to do with me. OMG there's a sale at Ross?!?! Holy shit can you use your coupons and elite ninja shopping skills to pick me up someone less annoying than you???

Aww your great aunt is sick? As sad as you think that is... all I'm going to say is "I'm sorry" or something along those lines... don't expect me to be broken up about it. I hardly give a shit about my own damn aunt...or even your health status for that matter. Not to be a dick but if you were severely injured/wheelchair bound understand that that may be a no go for me.

Before you get all upset... just think about it. I met you in (insert any social situation). If I truly wanted a speed racer bitch with wheels I would've started in the ER in the first place. I hated toys that required assembly as a child so why in the hell would I want a "some assembly required" chick that doesn't fight crime? If I do stay though, I just need you to be "handi"-capable of shutting the fuck up indefinitely.

3.) On Head - Fuck you and Lil' Wayne. This proud representative of the pussy eating coalition must be stopped. This nigga went from spinning made up tales of thuggin to a balanced diet of pubes and autotune. I hope he chokes on a hairball. Don't get me wrong... time and place. I'm not saying that it's negative. Just don't expect me to be proud of you for that shit. Smh. You ole "I literally get cotton mouth from licking lint infested vaginas" motherfuckers are just too much.

Oh and this quid pro quo shit about blow jobs needs to stop. That shit is not the same. I hate when women claim to "not do that" or anything of the like because it's "nasty/demeaning", yet they are the ones that want me to lick their bleeding acid traps. Fuck I look like.

4.) On Sensitivity - Before I even get into this one. Fuck you. You are the reason why these soft as cookies bitch made ass dudes are running rampant. Don't look at me during movies to see my reactions. Worry about your own face ho. No, I'm not going to cry after watching The Notebook. Hell the only reason she even got Alzheimer's was so she could forget about how fucking uneventful her shitty life was with her shitty ass diary reading husband. He's just reading that shit like it's a fucking novel.

Diary writing ass men... I pray the world really does end before you sparkling vampire motherfuckers reproduce again. Your bitch asses probably can  survive on emotions and self-pity alone. I just want to water-board all of you little fucks with your own tears. Granted, there's one exception for men who want to keep a diary. It involves you living in an attic away from society and then dying in a fire once we locate your bitch ass. (I hope your diary is flame retardant.)



so mote it be,

Marc Tullius



Definitions and Concessions:
Interesting - has something to do with significant people in the world. If it only applies to you, that one girlfriend that you secretly hate or any department store just kill me before you even open your mouth (if you love me you will). I would kill myself but then that means that I would have to have heard a few words of your mindless ass nonsense.

Bitch - I don't mean this in any derogatory way; well at least when it comes to most of you bitches. Bitching to me about it won't help either. I'll gladly change every offensive world right after you play your beiber cd while papercutting yourself with your world's cutest puppies poster - even though you don't even have a dog.

Wheelchair - I take back that entire scenario if I'm allowed to build and push you on a life-sized Hot Wheels track. I doubly take it back if we can race you against the elderly for money and pharmaceuticals.

Shopping Skills - There's no talent involved in this. Companies spend billions upon billions of dollars to make you buy shit so quit acting like you're a fucking Olympian because you can read a damn sign.

what men wish they could say Part Two

Before I get started I just want to give a hand to those who go the extra mile to have sex in cars and in church parking lots because you both still live with your parents.

Here's the second part of the series.

5.) On Appearance - I understand no one is perfect and because of that you will have complaints - that's fair. I just ask that you keep that shit within the due bounds that your looks allow for. No one wants to see ugly people have opinions in public.

Your right to bitch can be assessed based on how far someone has to be away from you before you start to matter. You're attractive at 25 ft? I guess you can complain about the temperature...just once ho and no you can't have my coat. 15 ft? Sure, let's even take you being jealous for a min. You're that bad at any distance? Well fuck it I'm just wrong. Not because of logic but just because God making you that fine tells me that he wants you to be considered right.

If you don't meet the above distance standards, I need you to not talk. Nothing that you can say will be able to compensate and my senses will not allow me to give a shit about whatever is troubling you. It pisses me the fuck off when I see you - knowing that you look like the illegitimate love child of two prehistoric cousins - trying to communicate at all. No writing, no signing and no smoke signals. Unless you are breaking out the 9th grade bio skills to punnet square why you look like this. You should be devoutly religious because (Human) evolution has failed you. I may smile and play nice because one of your friends can get it but just know that all gestures should be interpreted as,  "ooga booga you caveman ass, unevolved shitty Pikachu ass, Jurassic dinosaur with aids faced bitch. I'm sure you have a great personality though."

6.) On Exercise - Oz the Prodigy and I are sick and tired of you out of shape heaux talking to us about your work out schedule. I don't need to hear your weekly failure report. If I cared I would go and follow your crawling ass metabolism with a golf cart and a cattle prod. More specifically, we also don't give a shit about your Tae Bo, Pilates, Yoga, Weight Watchers, only eat dicks and salad programs etc. (Disclaimer if you are not a white woman over 30 you look really fucking dumb.)

Not to be mean but I just need for gravitationally challenged  to sleep all day and wake up at 2 am every morning just so you can watch the infomercials that are clearly trying to get your attention. The diet pills aren't working? Don't give up. Take 15 more. If you don't almost O.D. off of diet pills then clearly you don't want it bad enough.

7.) On Sex - The secret to the sexual male psyche comes in two parts generally (before and after). There's the conquest and the pride that fuel us to put in effort (the before) but it gives way to the moment of terrifying wisdom (the after). The second after you see him make that awkward face and takes that big exhale after his leg shakes, he is going to look at the clock to record his official time and then he'll think:

a. "Why did I just do that? Dammit. Stop trying to cuddle ho, I'm upset."
b. "If she asks what does this mean for "us" I'm going to delete her number."
c. "Did she just get annoying as fuck in the last 2 minutes?"
d. "This loud breathing bitch needs to sleep on the patio with all that huffing and puffing shit."
e. "What excuse can I think of to make her leave?"
f. "What if this broad gave me herpes?"
g. "What if she gets pregnant?"
h. "Holy shit. What if she gives the hypothetical baby herpes? That inconsiderate bitch."
i. "I know Walmart brought back layaway but I don't know if  Planned Parenthood did..."
j. "I want food but I don't feel like getting food for both of us...just fake being asleep it is."

This list isn't limited to the above but you get the idea. It also doesn't apply for women that you really like. This is more for those who keep their feelings in their nuts so after they are emptied he can't figure out for the life of him how he got into that position and he silently chants a prayer that you won't remember how nice he was before it dawned on him that he hates you.

Sidenote: While I have you here let's address something that somewhat ties into the after sex thought switch too. Ladies, please understand that the things that you did even just five minutes prior that were awesome are not necessarily awesome now.

For example, I hate you over hydrated ozarka broads. I know I know R&B metaphors talk about oceans and shit but those niggas don't have to sleep in big ass puddles of you. If I wanted to play Aquaman I would've never stopped pissing in the bed in the first place. Don't act like i'm the only one that doesn't like getting up to pee when I'm trying to sleep.


so mote it be,

Marc Tullius


Definitions and Concession:
On Misogyny - The above and all previous posts are done in good fun despite the fact that most of it is objectively true. I don't mean to insight hatred towards women nor do i want to make it seem like women in general suck. Granted, most of you hate other girls because you know that you fucking sucking. 

On Morality - Just shut the hell up. Crying about how you're prone to crying makes me pray for you to get stuck in traffic for hours just to make it to wherever you're going 3 hours late. And after you stumble in all sweaty, bothered and utterly annoying I hope the building blows up. 

It's not all bad though. After your death I truly hope that you make it into heaven because we all know that Hell would be way too interesting for your lame ass. 

The Golden Age of Fighting

Back when it was about you and him

Nah no boys needed; just you and him

Hit a lady maybe then you and them

But that’s just more the right of men

When it wasn’t about the taking of life

The limits were the duration of the fight

When you knew the working fight curfew

Before streetlights- people had shit to do

When drama simply meant “throwin’ hands”

Winners weaved and waited for hits to land.

Hit for bein’ in his yard; shot for bein’ in his wife

And on principle the judge wouldn’t give him life

So if there’s a time where I need to defend mine

From a dude from that sacred and honored time

I’m gonna fuck his daughter and shoot his dog

Cause with all due respect… fuck him. I’m from ’89.

Check from a pastor + 8 min =

If God is love then He is pain.

He is genius but never sane.

He is a feeling and never a thought.

He is feared as much as He is sought

He is the blur drawn around wrong

He is His own favorite unsung song

He is to be had and to be lost

He is to be free but only at a cost

He is the ability of good and evil

He is so postmodern yet medieval

He is a complex complexity

He is the simplest simplicity

He is happiness and depression

He is denial and confession

He is the reason why you’re alone

He is why you  notice you’re alone

Love is undefined despite the above

Undefined indeed for God is love. 

My New Pet Policy

My good friend just got a brand new puppy

And the rest of us sarcastically call him lucky.

I was happy but his happy seemed to be more

Because every day she met him at the door

And from the way her tail just kept waggin’

You’d think she knew he had been braggin’

One day he finally asked me about pets

“Not me. Never. I’ll skip on the trips to vets.

Whether you get a thorough breed or a mutt

They all track in shit that you have to clean up.

She's cute now but they're all like that as first

But you’ll see – post pups it’ll just get worse”

A year later his happy still stayed more

So I betrayed what I knew to be true before

Saved up for weeks and then hit the pet store

To get a friend that’d meet me at the door

Whenever I wanted to see her she was there

And even when I didn't... she was still there.  

I got used to her and went back to work

Though working late now made me a jerk

Even though I logged the extra hours for her

Should've gotten a cat. They know how to purr.

Before my briefcase can even hit the floor

She's always there to walk me from the door

Barking her doubts/thoughts about my day

So we'd fight, I'd get mad and call her a stray.

She says she remembers fetching toy sticks

And I say I remember licks, silence and tricks.

I said at times I just wanted to be left alone. 

So she did just that. She left me alone.

Now I’m out hanging up signs on light poles

Telling all my friends that she went psycho

Talking to the neighbors in between shouts

Saying “I don’t know how or why she got out”

But they know just like I know that I’m lying.

If I admit it now does that not count as trying?

My throat's knotted and I just want to clear it

Left to say sorry when she’s not here to hear it

Now I sit and growl stead of prowl like i deserved it

Why don't I get another dog? Because I’m allergic.

A Break from the Ridiculous

My good friend/accomplice/protege Oz The Prodigy told me of a creative writing prompt he had to write on (his piece is actually legit as hell) but I thought I'd take a swing at it too.

The assignment as i understand it is to write a poem that begins with the line "if there exists a hell  - the case is clear"


From Oz to Kansas

If there exists a hell – the case is clear,

That it is a physical place located in fear.

That forever awaits for you to draw near

No map needed; the path is fairly clear.

Hell is where you have what you want

But still nothing of what you need.

It’s the insecurity of wealth’s taunt

Depicted as your arrogance and greed

Hell is where you get your dream fast

Just to lose it forever even faster.

Where you still give it all that you have

As a slave to a dream you’ll never master.

Hell is where the “arts” and “thous” end

But pink slips and collection calls begin

Where broke parents cry for their children

Because they can’t afford for them to fit it in

Hell is where love and hate switches

Memories hurt more than stitches

Where confidants turn into snitches

Where first loves turn into bitches

If there exists a hell – the case is clear

That after the screams no one will hear

I’ll come to realize my own worst fear,

That there exists a hell  and we’re here.

Random shorts/questions

Why is it that all the professions where I want someone to be game ready (Doctors, Lawyers, Dentists, etc) are said to have practices?

If ageism and age discrimination is illegal then why is statutory rape?

How can convicts pass the legal bar but medical patients can't pass fifth grade biology?

Why can't we fine employees like we fine athletes? "Negative quarter? I think not. I've been meaning to tell Susie to sit her ass down for weeks."

Has saying "football giants" every been necessary for someone's understanding? "There's dudes in NY must naturally just be huge...oh football... I get it."

If time machines were real would I end up beating my own ass for dating that one ho?

If kids' cartoons are educational then why do we let mystical creatures teach them? "Yes bobby the number three is right! No unicorns are not real you dumb bastard."

Has every serial killer in every movie taken a land navigation course or are they always just that comfortable with the area?

Are Africans just black Amish people?

Why do broke people have the most superstitions about how not to be broke?

What if Maury was illiterate and just randomly assigned babies to people?

Men hate spending money and hate women that are teases. Makes sense... Why are strip clubs so successful then?

Why do wine-o's think they are sophisticated just because they add an "o"? That's still not a real thing.

If Black people really didn't support their own race like everyone says then how in the hell would Tyler Perry or Aunt Jamima  have money?

Why I love religion

I love religion because everyone wants to talk about it but no one wants to talk about it. The premises are ingrained in everything but at the same time they make little sense. For example:

God knows all.
Sin is inevitable.
God designed the most horrific place beyond human comprehension to send those who sin.
The only way around the above is to submit to his ego.

Conclusion? God knew that he was going to send you to die eternally in a fiery pit before you even thought about submitting. - That is hilarious.

I also love that "humanistic" virtues are tawdry when talking about god or a god of some kind. God can be called angry, vengeful, wrathful, jealous and a whole slew of things but I know (and it makes me happy) that the reference to his "ego" is bothering the hell into most of you.

How is that not an egotistical approach to...well all of existence?

Call me awesome or burn.
If you call anyone else and me awesome at the same time...burn.
If you don't call me awesome despite me killing your family for sport...burn
If you don't think I'm awesome despite me creating evil, your ability to reason/critique and free-will.
Many will claim to be me and you should question them...if you question me you burn.
            - This last one really bothers me... can we get a shirt color? You'll be wearing the Space Jams?
In the beginning there was me and I was just sitting in a void thinking... "I wish stuff existed to bask in my awesomeness...and then I made stuff."

It's all very comedic because at the end of the day the above is held as irrefutable even though you admit that all humans innately suck. You everything think that maybe you're going about it wrong... on account of you being human and sucking? Maybe the premises above were written down wrong...can he not be awesome without you clinging to these premises?

Misquoting/translating/interpreting seems plausible considering the context. I mean who knew there'd be 66 books and the one verse i was supposed to write got recorded? What if I was supposed to write the next 5 commandments but it was late and I didn't want to get up because then I'd have to pee - peeing is not convenient at night when demons, giants, pissed off angels, bored evil snakes and divine bets concerning if you'll roll over on the creator or not exists. I'd never leave the cave...or sleep.

If god doesn't play favorites and we are all his children why don't I have two holidays???

haha people get so sensitive - here watch this.

To be an angel is a compliment despite the fact that the great harbinger of evil is an angel and the fact that Gabriel is more like Freddy Kruger than any other person in history. You mad? haha I knew you'd be... but then again god knew you'd be too but yet he still led you to read this...why? Because immortals and mortals alike love seeing you get angered so stupidly.

I'm not saying that jesus is rofl-ing at you. Everyone knows jesus can fly. Who am I to limit him to rolling on the floor??? The hubris of some people.

Oh and if the lowercase letters bother you... I'm glad. I highly doubt the grand pub-ah of all cares about grammar. If he does and it's a hellible offense then I was screwed from the beginning anyway.


I also love that the very subject of of the above pisses people off. If every relationship with the divine is unique/personal and you are not allowed to judge... "why you mad?"

The answer is because you are an insecure clown that holds on to the idea that you and only those that think like you know the "Truth". It must truly suck to be so scared about getting a question wrong that you fail because didn't even finish the test.

On Marriage

If you were a teacher and all of your students struggled or failed people wouldn't look at them... they'd look at you. So why don't we as a society approach most of our own failing systems with the same suspicions? For example, marriage is a failing institution.

Some say it's due to adultery, the ease of divorce or any number of reasons. Even though I don't dismiss those are being apart of it I feel as though marriage has been cursed by one significant change in history.

Before I get to that though I propose that we reform the contractual expectations of marriage. I suggest that marriage licenses have a term limit of or around 2 years. The idea seems novel...but name off all of the legally binding contracts that you have with the state or anyone that's eternal. The first that came to mind was life in prison but even they get the courtesy of parole.

Maybe now is a good time to explain. It is my belief that the culprit behind destroying the traditional "American" family was not the gays. It was the medical community. Living to regret obligations made in your youth seems like a dismal fate. Probably not to you Disney channel optimists though... think about it. Logic tells me that more times than not the average human will not feel the same way about another singular entity for 70 years or so.

That's not to say that love or any other fairy tale nonsense doesn't exist it is just saying that statistically you idiots have taken it way too far. So I'm in love with her and will be for one hundred years... thank God Himself that we just so happened to attend the same junior high or heaven knows I would have never married. Seems dumb? Bccause it is.

2 year contracts can be renewed and maintains the level of obligation. It also allows for the implementation of far stricter punishments for a breech of contract. Within the bounds of a two year commitment failing to deliver comes with high consequences - try breaking a cell phone contract. If you want to cheat just wait until the contract expires and don't renew. You can even keep all of your stuff since you complied.

Financial adjustments etc can be penned out every two years or so in case a non-renewal ever came to pass and because things had already been prepared in some regard it would be far less taxing on the system. For those that want to deny progress I propose that we fully embrace your pseudo-religious "sanctity" of marriage.

If marriage is to be preserved it has to be permanent. Not in theory but in practice. If you get divorce you should pay all of your possessions to society, we should be able to kill you or we should ban you from ever marrying again. Stop hedging your bets. Til death do you part is only prose until you at a .45 to the mix as enforcement.

If God put you two together I believe that you should merrily join hands on your way to the hottest most sadistic place that "love" ever invented. For all of us that realize that the game is stacked against you... maybe a change is needed.

The Loss of a winner

Every passing day I'm even more deconstructed and apologetic as I've ever been because you all convinced me that we were the best.

I've been both a hero and a villain with you're help but even in the greatest moments I wasn't good enough and there's nothing I can do to change that. All I can do is box up the costumes of our own patriotic delusions.

Rest in Peace to the family that were more apart of me than any blood relation ever could be and I hope you know I will see you as soon as I show you how sorry I truly am.

I should start by saying I apologize to the nieces and nephews that I now will never have because in the end we weren't that good and I wasn't better.


http://sempertullius.blogspot.com/

Ellen DeGeneres

SAP: The following post has been written with asterisks for members of the Black community*. 

Today I gave a child $100 for helping me understand something I never thought I would.

I was in the gym locker room putting on my shoes when I saw a little boy about five years old or so and his father, a man with the sagging hairy mammary glands of an orangutan*. 

The father left the boy behind in the locker room with his gym bag and it was only a matter of time before the boy started to explore. He immediately pulled out the brightly colored container that was marked with a word much too big for him to sound out; but the boy didn't care about the words printed on the container... it was brightly colored and it smelled nice. So without hesitation he removed the lid and licked the freshly used stick of deodorant*. When he first licked it - as with most things - there wasn't a taste - just the friction of his tongue dragging across the dry surface... 

But once it registered, little Jethro's face* reflected his loss of innocence and the betrayal that he had just experienced. Just imagine expecting to potentially enjoy something based upon its attractive exterior only to find out that it was all a lie. His scrunched up face gave way to an endless stream of tears as he put his fingers in his mouth frantically trying to wipe away the sweaty dry taste but all he could do was pluck the bits of hair* from in between his teeth and off of his tongue.

It's a dark tale but after seeing that face it dawned on me... 

"Damn, I bet that's what it's like when a lesbian loses her virginity." 

I paid the young philosopher his money and was on my way. 


So mote it be,

Marc Tullius  @MarcTullius




The following is expressly intended for Negros and allies of the Negro community:

* My niggas. 

*That old nigga had monkey-bitch titties. 

* "But Marc why didn't you stop him?" Excuse me? Because I wanted to see that shit. If I hadn't I wouldn't have learned what it would be like to go down on Serena Williams, now would I? The better question is where the fuck was your ole questionin' ass?? You get on my damn nerves. 

* Yes, I made up the name Jethro and gave it to him. Why? Because that's some ole Jethro ass shit to do. How many Jamal's sit around eating deodorant? Exactly. Besides...niggas don't take family trips to the gym...we ain't got that many guest passes. 


*That's what his little bad ass gets. When yo' triflin' ass daddy leaves you, you are supposed to sit yo' little ass down somewhere. I hope your mouth tastes like that until puberty you little suck ass child.***




***I should probably not have children. 

Peta Should Arrest this Bitch

As you will come to know I am but one of a collective and as such I have many colleagues that you will all be introduced to in time. One of which is my good friend T. Legend (@SixIIAK) who has an unhealthy obsession with the female specie...all of it.

Any who, we were out on the town one eve and were approached by one of his vaginal fans. And before we could avoid her like the plague that she would come to be known as...the she beast opened her jowls to speak - "Hey guys!!! You like my stockings? I wore them instead of underwear but I didn't realize they are see through."

It was then that my friend's disease took hold, compelling him to ask, "whatsoever do you mean broad?" In hindsight this is when the authorities should have been contacted.

It was then that the dreaded Beast of a Thousand Pounds raised her dress in the middle of the street revealing her pit of despair...

There it was... mashed and crammed in sideways. I had a firsthand see through view of a woman trying to kill her own savagely abused vagina. It haunts me.

At the end of long days when I close my eyes and pray for peace, I can still picture her bloated rash ridden and razor torn vagina - resembling a partially opened can of biscuits bursting unevenly through the mesh seams.

I begged my subconscious to stop! But all that did was make me feel sorry for the unheard cries, shutters and pleadings of death that that vagina oozes out daily. Cursed to constantly leak the sole wish to die instead of living the life assigned to it.

Sure. She tries. Yeah, I'm sure she tries to console it... but how do you teach an abused vagina to trust again? To love again? To not shutter every time it feels the outside air caress its dank interiors? ... Shutters brought on by every memory of being left exposed and alone just to be misused by Taco Bell stained fingers.

I can't. I just can't go on...

My friends... my fellow Tullians - all I ask is that you pause for a moment of silence. Just a moment. One moment for all of the billions of genitalia abuse cases that go unreported by a society too busy to care.


So mote it be,
Marc Tullius @MarcTullius